Love in the Time of Botulism
by 2028
Summary: AU: Four months after Drew and Rick get married, they end up back in the hospital.
1. Chapter 1

All the disclaimers:

The title of this story is a play on the novel Love in the Time of Cholera, so I can't take the credit. A bit of the medical stuff is graphic, but I don't think any of it is too bad.

Also I don't own any of the rights to show and etc etc disclaimed stuff. If I did own the show I would kick TC off and have more focus on Drew and Rick but that is just me.

I read a story by Epsarrow called Deeper than Blood and one of the chapters is about TC getting botulism. I really loved the idea and I wanted to write one about Drew and Rick. I don't copy any of the language directly, but in this story Drew and Topher have knowledge of what happened in Epsarrow's story(however it makes sense without reading the other story). I didn't mean any infringement of ideas; I just loved the story and wanted to continue in the same vein.

* * *

Drew opened the door, happy to be finished with his shift and more happy to see Rick. They had been married about four months. The apartment had happily become a mixture of their items and they had recovered from the hardest part of Rick's injury.

Drew dropped his keys on the table and wandered further into the apartment to find Rick. Usually, Drew came home and they ate breakfast together before Rick went to work and Drew went to bed.

Opening the door to their bedroom, Drew saw Rick sleeping. It struck him as a bit unusual but maybe he was just tired. Sitting down next to him, Drew pushed his shoulder a little to wake him up. Rick slowly opened his eyes and slowly focused on Drew. It concerned Drew a bit and he bend closer to Rick to look him in the eyes. His pupils were wide despite the darkness in the room. His concern grew.

"Rick, wake up."

"Mmm" Rick made a murmuring noise might have been a hello, but it was too garbled to make out.

"Wake up. You okay?"

Rick's eyelids flickered again and Drew pulled Rick upright a little. He immediately realized it was a mistake when Rick made a strangled noise and closed his eyes more tightly. Drew heard rough breathing and concern grew into panic when he realized how much trouble his husband was having trouble breathing.

Examining Rick's face, Drew noticed the left side of it was lower than the right and his eyes were closed more in exhaustive than a conscious decision.

Drew's mind started running through all the illnesses that had these symptoms and he forced his panic back so he could focus.

Infection, no.

Migraine, possible but unlikely.

Ear infection, possible, would not cause shortness of breath.

Stroke, possible.

That thought spurred action and Drew slid Rick back down on the bed. The movement caused Rick to gag slightly and Drew worried about him choking on vomit. Rick didn't move at all, even when Drew dragged him to the edge of the bed and moved to grab his cell phone. He meant to call Topher, who he assumed was still driving home.

Drew dialed and Rick started to throw up, but Drew heard more choking than puking. The phone started ringing and Drew held Rick on his side.

"Drew? Drew!"

"Toph, I need help. Something is wrong with Rick. We need the ER."

"I am on my way, about three minutes."

Two and a half minutes later, Topher knocked on the door and called his name. Rick was breathing smoothly if shallowly, so Drew sprinted to the door and let Topher.

"We need an ER."

"We take my car. It is in the driveway. Grab his other arm and stand him up" Topher ordered. Drew pulled Rick upright, wincing at the harshness of his breathing and the lack of any type of resistance from being moved roughly.

"What the hell, Toph?"

"I don't know, Drew. Watch the door."

They made it out the door and Drew pulled Rick into the back seat and Topher slammed the door.

Drew wasn't sure a seat belt would help Rick's breathing, so he put his own and held Rick on the seat.

"Topher, his breathing is getting more shallow and he has not really moved even as the car is turning."

"Drew, wait until we get to the ER."

They stopped at the entrance, and Topher yelled to the people on the day shift starting their shift. A stretcher arrived and a couple doctors Drew vaguely knew helped him pull Rick out of the car.

Rick disappeared as Drew finished getting out of the car. Topher drove the car away.

Drew sprinted in and followed the flow of people to an exam room, where doctors were drawing blood and calling for a chest x-ray. Drew watched as a doctor hit Rick's joints, looking for a response; his knee jerked and his elbow didn't.

Then Rick's breathing hitched and his shallow breaths were more spaced out.

Then it hitched again and Drew pushed forward, but someone caught him on the arm and the doctor standing over Rick called for an intubation tray.

* * *

Topher ran into the ER and saw Krista watching Drew who was watching Rick. Then they all heard the words 'intubation tray' and pieces flew together in Topher's mind and he knew that Krista would recognize it as soon as he said it. TC had botulism.

"Drew" Krista screamed following and Topher went to help.

They both grabbed Drew and only their combined strength pulled him away from Rick.

Topher spun him around and started talking immediately in an attempt to distract him.

"Did you go to breakfast with TC and Jordan yesterday?" Drew looked confused and pissed and about to yank again from Topher. Topher saw Krista catch on and he shook Drew.

"Drew. Did you and Rick go to breakfast with Jordan and TC yesterday?"

"What the hell, Toph?"

Topher shook Drew and stared him in the eyes.

"Yes, yes, we did, what the hell?" Drew answered, clearly not seeing the connection.

"TC has botulism. He got it at breakfast yesterday."

Drew's confusion took a second to clear off his face and a full blown panic replaced it in the next second; his whole body leaned towards Topher and for a second he was worried Drew would collapse right then. Krista grabbed him and pulled him toward her with little resistance from him, shaking him much like Topher, asking an important question Topher had yet to think of.

"Who else went to yesterday and what did Rick eat?"

"Um, Rick, me, TC, Jordan, Kenny. And Kenny" Drew looked concern again.

"And what did you guys eat?" Krista again was resembling Topher in looking Drew in the eyes and not giving him had choice in whether he answered the questions.

"Uh, eggs, Rick had eggs with peppers, I think, uh I don't remember. I don't know" He almost screamed at them.

"Okay. Okay." Topher held up his hands and Drew visually tried to calm himself down.

"I am going to find Kenny. You two stay here."

Krista and Drew stood still for a second.

"TC has botulism?" Drew asked, softly, scared.

"Yea, he was admitted last night."

Drew looked at her and she show a similar kind of hopelessness she had seen twice before: when he thought she had breast cancer and right after they took Rick up to surgery for his leg.

"Its okay" she whispered and this time when Drew leaned forward, Krista hugged him.

Doctor Lucas didn't recognize the patient in front of him but he saw the doctors outside and he could conclude he was someone important to them. He took a chest x-ray and didn't see a crush injury that could explain the shortness of breath. He decided to intubate and send him up to CT to check for a stroke when he noticed the weakness in the facial muscles and that the patient's throat almost collapsed when he tried to intubate. Oddly, the patient didn't gag when the tube touched his throat, but his legs jerked.

"Pressure, smaller tube!"

After a second attempt after which the patient was successful on mechanical ventilation, Doctor Lucas pulled back and looked at his staff.

"CT, now."

The team rushed away, taking the patient with them.

Doctor Lucas stepped out and was met with two panicked doctors he had just seen.

"Rick Lincoln?"

"I don't know…" He realized they were referring to the man he just send to CT.

"Yea, you just treated him. What's the word?" the woman asked.

"He has shallow breathing and weakness in his facial muscles. His deep tendon reflexes are weak in his knees and absent in his elbows. I send him to CT."

"He has botulism; you need to treat with antitoxin and…"

"I'm sorry; who are you?" Doctor Lucas asked.

"Drew Alister; I work the night shift. Rick is my husband and yesterday morning, we went out to breakfast with some of our friends and one of them has botulism; Rick has botulism."

Doctor Lucas was not territorial and he didn't care who made the diagnosis; he would not treat without confirmation but he didn't keep score of who figured out what.

"I will run a blood test and I will get antitoxin ready for when he gets out of CT" he said. He meant to walk away but remembered he was talking to a family member who was acutely aware of the devastating effect of this disease.

"Stick around; I will come find you as soon as I know anything." Doctor Lucas didn't add anything else; he knew the words would not mean much.

* * *

Topher found Kenny just leaving the hospital.

"Kenny!" Kenny spun around.

"Hey. You went to breakfast with Rick, Drew, TC, and Jordan yesterday?"

"Yes?"

"You feel okay?" Topher looked overly concerned.

"Yea, why? You okay?"

"TC and Rick have botulism" Topher said carefully.

Kenny felt physically weak in the knees and he spun towards Topher. "Drew?"

"You and he and Jordan need to get tested, but I think if you don't have symptoms by now, you will be okay."

Kenny started walking back towards the hospital in a daze and Topher followed him.

* * *

Doctor Lucas stared at the test results in his hands. He hated botulism. He hated paralytics and he hated that Doctor Alister and his partner would have to go through this. He took the test results to the ICU where he had directed his patient after the CT scan. He grabbed the antitoxin that was frighteningly already in the hospital because Doctor Callahan had botulism.

"We need to test reflexes. It is foodborne so no need for antibiotics. Start IV fluids and find me as soon as the reflex tests are done."

He had set his team's orders but could not left the ICU. He watched as his team shone lights in his patient's eyes and touched the corneas lightly.

As he could tell no reaction.

* * *

Kenny found Krista and Drew standing in the middle of the ER, looking in shock.

"I'm sorry" Kenny said. Drew pulled away from Krista and looked angry.

"He isn't dead. We are not going there" Drew insisted.

Doctor Lucas chose that time to walk back into the ER and find three people standing there.

"Doctor Alister…" He didn't know the others, unfortunately.

"Krista Bell-Hart and Kenny Forunette. We both work on the night shift as well."

"I can take you up to the ICU."

Drew froze briefly but followed.

"How is Rick?"

"CT is clear, but he does have botulism" he paused and looked back at them. "He is on life support and I am obviously admitting him. Antitoxin has been started and we are keeping him stable."

Drew followed and felt numb. The world fell away and he felt his throat close up with panic. He fought desperately to keep his calm. Drew stopped in front of the ICU and took in the sight. Rick looked still and strangely unlike himself. His skin, Drew knew, was the same color it normally was, but the spark had gone out of his body. He looked… small and Drew felt an overwhelming urge to wrap himself around Rick and protect him from the world; but the world was not killing Rick; the toxin was and Drew could not protect him from that.

Drew turned to Doctor Lucas wordlessly.

"You can sit with him" he said quietly.

Krista pushed open the door and Drew walked slowly up to the man he had recently vowed to spend the rest of his life with.

* * *

Krista and Kenny slid down the wall outside the ICU and stared at each other in shock.

"I…" Krista started and Kenny put his arm around her and they sat there silently.

Jordan joined them eventually.

* * *

The whoosh of air was a common noise, one he heard more often then he would like, but today it sounded louder and sinister than he could ever remember. The tract tube looked invading and dehumanizing and Drew thought of the breakfast they had enjoyed only 24 hours earlier. He thought of Rick's smile and easy laugh and the extreme gratitude he felt for his friends, who accepted them and treated them as equals. The happiness he had felt when Kenny hugged him after Rick went to surgery and how Krista had sat with him for hours until Scott returned Rick to him, one leg short and with dents in his self confidence. He remembered Rick how grinned after they spent the first breakfast together with his friends after they announced they were married and how Rick had expressed his happiness that Drew had first come out and second announced Rick to his friends with confidence. Drew looked down at the IVs and vents and tubes and wires and let himself feel the fear of losing that. He and Rick had been dating for ten years before they got married; losing that partnership felt like being set adrift in the desert without backup and like wandering in a minefield blind. The pain he felt at the possible of the separation settled solidly in his chest, a weight that he felt could not be easily lifted. He leaned down to hold Rick's hand and felt absolutely no response.

* * *

Doctor Lucas ordered further blood tests; he wanted to isolate the strain and treat with more specific antitoxins if possible. He looked at the results of his teams' tests and found Rick Lincoln had failed all of them. He had not reacted to the light or pressure on his corneas. That could be due to the paralytic and not death of the brain stem, but at this point it was impossible to tell. Another one of the tests for death of the brain stem was temporarily disconnecting the vent but considering Mr. Lincoln's muscles were paralyzed, that would not tell much either.

He may his way back to the ICU and spotted Alister sitting next to Lincoln, looking still and crushed.

The test results showed the normal strain of botulism; they were already treating for that; essentially besides keeping him stable, there was nothing they could do.

Drew stuck around the ICU all day and despite having worked a full night shift, he didn't fall asleep and he didn't moved.

When the night shift started Kenny entered and carefully sat down next to Drew.

"You working tonight?"

"I… don't think I can" Drew finally said, tearing his eyes away from Rick.

"I don't know what is going to happen, with Rick or TC, but we are not abandoning you or them and this whole hospital will treat him like family" Kenny vowed, leaning close to Drew.

Drew stood up and kissed Rick's forehead. Then walked down to Kenny and yanked him to his feet.

"We have work to do."

* * *

Drew worked all night, in a stupor. Part of him felt guilt for leaving Rick but a large part of him felt numb.

He treated patients. No one died. No one yelled, but he could have treated the commander and chief and not realized.

In the morning Kenny and Krista locked him in an on call room and made him sleep for at least five hours.

Then Drew returned to the ICU and sat still and crushed all day.

* * *

This continued for a couple days. TC drifted in and out of consciousness, but Rick remained completely still and never woke up. Drew could not decide which was better.

* * *

Pain. Burning. Numbness and weakness. Rick pried his eyes open, actually having to take a break in the middle to succeed in the task. His vision was horrible, blurred in even the semi bright light and double vision making it easier to just close his eyes again, but in the last split second his gaze connected with Drew's.

Drew stood up and came towards him, grabbing his hands. Strangely Rick could feel the contact but could not grib back. Becoming more aware, Rick realized he could not move at all. His mouth was slightly open, an awkward position, uncomfortable but he absolutely could not budge, even to gag.

More panic blinded him and he had never wanted to move more in his entire life, but his body refused to obey.

Drew clearly saw the panic because he leaned forward to capture his face in a hold he could feel but not respond to.

Drew's face looked pained and exhausted up close, an image that scared him almost as much as however was happening to him. Upon connecting eyes again though, his husband's eyes lit up, in the same way they had when they snuck around in boot camp and when they slept in together and moved into a joint apartment together and when they first held hands in public.

"You're awake" Drew whispered in almost shocked way that made Rick wonder how long he had been asleep. He must have still looked panicked because Drew started explaining.

"You have botulism; you have been in the ICU for four days. You" Drew hestinated "You're on a mechanical vent, the thing in your throat, and" Drew paused again "Botulism causes paralysis, why you" and that time Rick figured out what Drew meant "TC has it too, you both got at breakfast and we are treating it and this whole hospital is behind you and you'll be okay, so just wake up again, okay?" Drew asked, finally letting Rick see the panic behind his rambling explantation. "You can't die, Rick you really can't. I don't know what I would without you, so wake up again, okay?"

And in answer to possibly the most romantic speech he had ever been given, Rick's toxin filled body forced his eyelids closed again.

* * *

And Rick's eyes slid closed again and Drew felt his heart collapsing; he sat there for a long moment without moving and finally he stood and walked in a fog to find Kenny.

* * *

When Kenny saw Drew, he was immediately concerned Rick had died; his best friend had a magnified crushed look on his face and despair radiated off him.

Kenny dropped the charts on the nurses' station and directed his friend into the break room. Drew looked again unseeing and opened his mouth but no words came out. Kenny took a step toward him and Drew flinched but fell forward. Kenny captured his friend as they both slid down the wall and the sound of heartbroken sobs echoed off the walls. Drew's whole shook violently and Kenny was sure he did not hear a single comforting word he mumbled. After a moment the sobs sounded more like choking and Kenny pushed away from Drew.

"Drew" he ordered, using his best calm in the storm voice.

"Take a breath. Deep breath. Listen to me. You didn't tell me what happened. You hear me, take a breath, relax a second."

Kenny continued for several more minutes until Drew finally took a shuddering breath and raised his shattered eyes to look in Kenny's.

"Rick woke up" He started. "It was horrible; I have never seen anyone look as trapped and terrified. And I couldn't even really talk to him. I rambled at him and begged him not to die and he just closed his eyes again." Drew let out another pained sob. "Kenny. I don't think I will ever the forgot the panic. I have genuinely never seen a person look so scared."

And Kenny had nothing to say to that. Tears ran down his face and Drew fell back against him, crying quieter more dignified tears.

* * *

Eventually Doctor Lucas of the day shift found them and informed them Rick had passed one of the brain stem indicator tests he had previously failed. He cautioned they against optimism and clearly didn't let his hopefulness show on his face. He warned them of the long road and dozens of complications, now and later that might result in permanent nerve damage. Rick would definitely lose his place in the reserves; his job with the state police was up in the air. He reminded them that Rick had been symptomatic for a whole day before he was admitted. And Doctor Lucas walked away feeling like he had been sent from hell to steal peace on world.

* * *

Okay, after this point it is a pick your own ending fanfiction. I could not pick between two endings so I wrote both of them. You might be able to guess, but chapter two is the sad ending and chapter three is the happy ending. I decided to put the happy one at the end so those of you who read both will end on a good note.


	2. Chapter 2

After Rick woke up the first time, Drew didn't return to work. He crashed and ended up sleeping about fifteen hours to make up for sleeping in sprints and fits all week.

He woke up a coding alarm and watched in world of pain as a day shift doctor who had been a stranger a week prior called time of death for his husband and what felt like the rest of his life.

The moments directly following were a pain filled blur, but eventually Drew came back to himself, sitting in the break room with Kenny and Krista, who were both also crying. Krista cried loud, noticeable tears, but Kenny cried the way Drew felt on the inside; broken and drowning in a sadness that words could not do justice. A loneliness followed sadness, a deep aching loneliness that felt unreal in it existence and simultaneously so real in its depth. The fear he had felt at being alone did not compare to actually being alone.

Drew never did forget the sorrow filled faces of his coworkers as they heard the news.

The cascade of tears that consumed the night shift rolled over him like waves.

Drew looked into Topher's eyes and saw his hope fading; a very small part of Drew remembered that TC had yet to recover, but any words were killed by grief.

The funeral, on an average day to bury an incredible man, lasted for years in Drew's memory.

The 21 gun salute for a man who had a been soldier and a son and a friend and a leader and a lover made Drew flinch long after the smoke cleared.

The military presented the flag to Topher, in absence of anyone else, and Topher promptly turned around and presented it to Drew; it sat in a closet for years before hung it on a wall.

Rick's laugh echoed off those walls of their apartment long after his voice had faded.

His clothes lingered in the closet for months before Drew could find the strength to see the space empty.

The second ring on Drew's hand took far longer to adjust to; the smooth metal reminded him endlessly of the man who should have had a lifetime to wear it.

The scenes of their life— the omelets, the dances, the car rides, the jogs, the fights, the grins— remained even when Drew could not bear to look at photos.

Drew had heard that people die twice; once when they stop breathing and the second when someone speaks their name for the last time. After the funeral, Drew didn't speak Rick's name for years, but his memories never died.

One day, Drew woke up and the first thought that crossed his mind of was coffee, not Rick and a renewed pain grew his chest, fueled by confusion and guilt. When it happened again, Drew found it in himself to begin to forgive himself. By the tenth time it happened, Drew could go a whole day without something triggering a memory and a tornado of grief. By the hundredth time, Drew could appreciate starting the morning without a heart wrecking.

Slowly, almost as painfully as they had been torn, the scars on Drew's heart healed. Ugly, crooked scars, crisscrossing, covering more territory than they had before, but more or less functional.

The first time Drew laughed without the backlash of guilt was burned into his memory.

The first time he was celebrated an achievement without Rick caused tears of joy and grief to roll down his face.

The first time he fought, the fight was fueled by grief, not anger and left a type of emptiness, not victory; after that day Drew learned to live with his memories and not fight them.

Locked away with Drew's other worst memories was the day after which Drew had lived longer alone than he had with Rick.

The thought that a year with Rick had been richer than ten years without him hammered around his head and heart without permission.

Retirement meant a new kind of loneliness, this one not even filled with the long appreciated and well meaning support of his extended work family.

Drew would never forget the last day he walked outside and thought the sun shone more brightly than usual.

The memories of him and Rick in the army, hiding from COs, stealing kisses when their discovery meant dishonorable discharge, sharing love when it existence meant ridicule, Drew would take to his grave, or perhaps at this stage, he would only carry them for a few days.

The flashes Drew saw flicker across his vision before it turned dark were of a man, one who dared to be himself when the world laughed and dared to love when the world hated, who learned to smile when the world doubted, who learned to sing when the world cried; in the end the world sapped the strength of that beautiful life, but not before that life edged out the pain and the fear in his.


	3. Chapter 3

After Rick woke up the first time. Drew didn't return to work. He crashed and ended up sleeping about fifteen hours to make up for sleeping in sprints and fits all week.

He fell asleep in one the chairs near Rick's bed and after noting the time, was surprised that no one had kicked him out.

His eyes shot to Rick's when he felt the lightest touch on the back of his hand. He stood and a grin almost split his face in two. This time Rick's gaze was more focused on him, not swaying from double vision and blurriness. When Drew crushed his hand, he felt Rick's fingers move faintly against his; this time tears of joy flowed down his face as he centered his forehead on husband's and peered into the eyes he was terrified he would never see again. He laughed under his breath and then laughed out loud, echoing off the walls of the ICU. The expression of joy felt bizarre in the midst of vents and feeding tubes but Drew couldn't care less.

"I love you" he mumbled against Rick's forehead and from the solid stare Rick was returning he wasn't the only one.

"Thank you for not dying."

And they stayed like that for a few minutes, every so once, Drew feeling Rick's fingers shift ever so slightly on his palm.

"I am going to go find someone to assess you; don't go anywhere." Drew brushed the tears off Rick's face and kissed him again before turning and almost running to find Doctor Lucas and Kenny.

Drew found Kenny into the ER, doing charts and almost scared him to death when he pounced on his shoulders.

"Rick woke up and moved one of his hands" Kenny was dragged unceremoniously to his feet, but it took only took him a few steps to get his feet under him and he and Drew ran back through the hospital, finding Doctor Lucas' counterpart on the night shift.

Rick had his eyes closed when they entered again and Drew felt a stab of pain. But Rick opened his eyes again, and made an attempt to reach Drew that didn't even lift his hand off the bed, but Drew met him all the way and held one of his husbands' hands in both of his.

"Alright, I am redoing all the neuro tests and ordering all new blood tests to check for toxin and neurotransmitter levels. Kenny can you?" Kenny yanked a kit out of the cabinet and carefully drawn blood from one of the many IVs while Doctor Patel leaned over Rick with a penlight.

"Mr. Lincoln, can you look at me for a second?"

And Rick did. He blinked his eyes closed at first but opened them again and followed the penlight with his eyes. He blinked on command. He flinched when Doctor Patel lightly jabbed both of his hands. He flinched when Doctor Patel pinched his forehand and he gagged when she inserted a tiny tube, down his throat, outside the vent. He legs and foot didn't respond but Doctor Patel and Drew both knew bolutism paralyzed from the top down but the recovery was anything but organized.

By the end, Drew could sense Rick panicking and trying to escape so he monitored Doctor Patel out of sight for a second and put his face in front of Rick's again.

"I'm sorry. We had to figure out your neuro score. You passed. You're okay. You did great. I'm sorry. Just stay awake another second okay?"

Rick's chin moved a tiny fraction of an inch but Drew almost started crying again. They both turned back to Doctor Patel, Rick much more slowly, taking a minute to focus his tired eyes.

She smiled down at them and looked Rick directly in the eyes when she spoke.

"I am letting you rest for at least four hours, but I am ordering a trial of spontaneous breathing for sometime day and if you pass that, we can see getting you off the vent, alright?"

Rick knew that the doctor looked happy and he heard something about resting, but the remainder of the statement was jumbled. His husband's soft voice pulled his attention again and Drew explained.

"You get to sleep for awhile more then they want to get that tube out of your throat."

Rick's eyes darkened at that, a little and Drew could not come close to imagining how terrified he was right now, so he made an educated guess.

"They will not try it if you aren't ready and trust me I am not letting you out of my sight, so you will be surrounded by people who know what they are doing. You have been on antitoxins for almost six days now and that a normal period for the toxin to subside within. You'll be okay. You will." Drew promised and he could see the fear in Rick's eyes fade as he talked so he kept talking. Doctor Patel and Kenny disappeared and Drew talked to Rick about the stupid tattoo he almost got the first time he got drunk and the dog who followed him home one time when he went jogging and the matching t-shirts his mom tried to make he and his sister for holiday photos and the weekend warrior with massive blisters from new soccer cleats who came into the ER that first night. Drew talked until he was not sure what he was saying but he knew Rick looked less scared so he talked until Doctor Patel came back an hour later with test results that confirmed the levels of acetylcholine in Rick's blood were up. For Drew it was possibly the best moment of his life but Rick didn't know what that meant, so Drew explained that acetylcholine was the neurotransmitter that told muscles to contract and that there is more of it means his muscles were starting to contract again.

Drew catch the faintest edge of a smile around Rick's mouth, before he closed his eyes and drifted back to sleep.

Drew fell back in his chair and grinned at Doctor Patel, who smiled back.

"I am leaving all my notes for Doctor Lucas and you can find my pager number. I don't care what time it is, if either of you need something, have someone find me. I'll see you tomorrow."

Drew's thanks followed her out the door and Drew spend the next four hours, staring at the man he loved, feeling incredibly lucky.

The sun was starting to rise in the window when Doctor Lucas walked in, looking the happiest Drew had ever seen him.

"I hear we have good news."

"Very good news. His sats have been stable since he fell asleep and Doctor Patel said we could try a trial of spontaneous breathing if nothing changed."

"I agree with her assessment. I am having someone from pulmonary come up and we will start setting up."

Drew nodded.

"He passed a majority of the checks and he has a great neuro score compared to two days ago."

"I don't think I have ever been so thrilled to see someone blink on command" Drew said with a laugh.

Doctor Lucas smiled and spun around to admit a short women with a cart. The doctor nodded and Drew turned back to Rick.

"Rick?" Drew asked softly, rubbing the back of one of his hands. Rick took a second to open his eyes and Drew wondered how long it would be before he stop panicking when Rick don't respond immediately.

"Hey. Doctor Lucas is back; he is your doctor on the day shift…" Drew trailed off as Rick, ever the gentlemen, slowly moved his gaze over to Doctor Lucas' in greeting.

"He wants to try a trial of spontaneous breathing, which essentially means he turns off the vent settings, but leaves the tube until he is sure you can breath on your own."

Rick's eyes were clear and Drew was always amazed how fast people could go from the edge of life to recovering in such a short amount of time.

"Sound okay?" Drew asked and Rick blinked once and declined his chin in a nod. His muscles were contracting a little on their now, and the movement caused Rick to gag around the tube. His eyes clouded over again and his hand flipped around a little in Drew's, but Drew held on and talked him down.

"Hey. Focus over here. You can breathe. This is going to sound stupid but try to take a breath without swallowing. I promise you can breathe."

Rick heard Drew talking to him and felt his hand flipping around a bit out of his view, but he was too focused on the sensation of suffocating and the painful ache that accompanied any movement of his throat. The first couple times he remembered waking up, it had not hurt this much. He lost any semblance of calm when the gagging pressed the tube into his sore throat and caused fresh waves of pain. After endlessly seconds of this cycle, the urge to gag finally disappeared and a wave of exhaustion swept over him.

Drew watched as Rick calmed down again, the medication removing some of the panic and soothing abused muscles in his throat. Watching Rick gag and toss around caused a physical pain in his chest. He hoped that the trial of spontaneous breathing worked because he was growing tired of this life support routine, especially watching Rick be in pain and confused because of it.

"His gag reflex is clearly back and he took a couple breathes over the vent. Think we should still go for it?" Drew looked at Doctor Lucas for this answer. All his coworkers had been very kind in letting him take the lead with Rick but he was incredibly personally involved and he was not the doctor of record, so he tried not to make too many demands.

"Think you explain it to him so he doesn't hurt himself?"

"Give it one shot and if it doesn't work, try again tomorrow?" Drew asked, knowing he would likely get an affirmative response; it was standard protocol.

"Yea" Doctor Lucas glanced over his shoulder briefly "We are ready when you are."

"Hey, Rick" Rick's tired eyes came back to him and he smiled reassuringly.

"Vents suck; we are ready to get you off it. Think you can try again?" Drew hurried on. "Before you move, focus for a second. Breath without swallowing at the same time and that should stop you from gagging. Yea?" Drew stopped and watched Rick carefully think that through before his husband nodded very minutely and very deliberately and didn't trigger his gag reflex as he took a breath.

Drew squeezed his hand and continued. "Good job. You got it. Okay, here we go. The vents setting are decreased a little at a time, meaning the machine will gradually be doing less work and you will doing more. If you want to slow down, squeeze my hand. Ready?" Another minute and deliberate nod.

Drw nodded at Doctor Lucas who turned the knob on the ventilator and carefully watched Rick's oxygen levels.

After sixty seconds, Doctor Lucas touched the knob again and Rick closed his eyes and appeared to be focusing on not choking.

This went on for another four minutes, Rick lightly squeezing Drew's hand at the end, but nodding carefully when asked if he wanted to continue.

"Okay, I am extubating. The mask should maintain his levels." Drew nodded.

"Mr. Lincoln? Can you open your eyes a second?" Doctor Lucas waited until Rick his eyes before going on. "You okay?" Rick blinked once. "You still have to focus on your breathing; your muscles are still weak, but your oxygen levels are good even without any assistance so I am confident. You?" Rick blinked again.

"Okay, when I tell you to breath out, breath out as hard as you can. This won't feel great but we will take care of it in a second. You will probably cough, but we can handle that too. Ready?"

This time Rick held Doctor Lucas' eyes deliberately before blinking and the doctor laughed.

"Okay, breath out."

As predicted, it was not comfortable; Rick felt his throat protest the movement and he did coughed, which panicked him for a second before he heard Drew's calm voice and felt a cool stream of oxygen entering his nose. He opened his eyes to see Drew grinning at him and holding a mask on his face. His husband leaned forward and kissed him on the forehead, mumbling 'I'm proud of you' near his ear before pulling away.

Doctor Lucas watched the exchange with happiness and quickly reset the pain meds he had decreased during the trial of spontaneous breathing.

After monitoring Rick's oxygen levels for a minute, he interrupted them.

"Excuse me a second. Another neuro score. Mr. Lincoln, follow the penlight for me."

"Good" Doctor Lucas said after a second. "I would avoid talking for at least a couple more hours, at least until after you can handle a couple sips of water. It will not hurt as much if you give your throat a head start on healing. Drew you know where to find me. Mr. Lincoln keep it up, you are doing great."

"Thank you."

"You tired?" Drew asked, turning back to Rick. Rick blinked again, clearly still consciously controlling the movement of his throat and chest.

"You can go to sleep. Its okay" Drew said.

It took almost an hour for Rick to figure out how to force his brain to direct his breathing and twice his eyes snapped open and he took a few deliberate breaths before closing his eyes again. Drew stayed, held his hand, talked to him in low tones, told more stories that either one of them would remember the next day. Rick finally fell into a relaxed sleep and Drew hung around for another thirty minutes to make sure, before he slid out to find Kenny; he known his friend had stuck around for moral support, Drew just had to drag him out of his nap.

Drew remembered how tight his friend hugged him, laughing into his shoulders.

He would never forgot how Rick woke up about five hours later and waved one finger at the water one of the nurses had set on his bedside table.

Drew could not forgot how his husband accepted a quarter of a sip of water and swallowed carefully.

Rick motioning him down and whispering 'I love you' in his ear was burned into his memory.

The first time Rick kicked one of his legs held a spot in his memory and the first time Rick kicked Drew's leg held a special place in his heart.

The first time a therapist had Rick work on the parallel bars and Rick tripped, mumbling 'I am done with this learning to walk shit' was locked in a box with Drew's other worst memories.

The memory of the first time Drew curled into Rick's side and didn't have to worry about suffocating him got Drew through long shifts and patient deaths.

His gym card sparked an soundbite of Rick complaining about the years of workouts that been wasted all because of some stupid peppers.

The first time Rick tripped on the parallel bars but stood up again caused a single tear to run both their faces; a shared memory.

The first night they were home alone again, almost three months after Rick woke up, Drew would never forgot.

Drew would always cherish the memory of his husband standing at the kitchen counter, cooking omelets and attempting to assemble a birdhouse at the same time and actually setting both of them on fire.

The sobs they both left loose in the darkness, the pent up fear and anger, would forever echo in his ears and Drew would not have it any other way.

The joy of watching his husband smile and laugh and gesture would remain in his heart until the day he died.

The pain of not being able to repair all of his love's nerves cut scars in the places only he could feel.

The fear of losing the love of his life knocked around his head and heart without permission.

The pride he felt would never fade, flaring up again and again.

Drew never did forget the panic he saw in Rick's eyes that first day he woke up, but that vibrant panic was accompanied by searing love and burning determination and blinding strength.

Drew's head and heart were a collection of memories and scars from a beautiful love and two strong men who survived the worst the world could throw at them.


End file.
